Just the other day I was at the Bar None Bar & Bar-B-Q ponderin a way to get aholt of my drinkin problem -- I got whopped on the elbow of my right arm with the bidness end of a heavy duty fence gate and now I can't hardly raise my hand to my mouth -- when Harmon Hicks plopped down on the stool next to me.
"My tobacca ain't growin. Been nearly a month now and nothins happened."
Well, Mr. Hicks is ever bit as dumb as he looks and twice as lazy so I never figured him to actually work at anything let alone growin tobacco. I was curious.
"So," I asked, "what kind you growin?" I know next to nothin about the topic myself but I had to ask.
"Marlboro Reds. Filter Tip."
"Excuse me?"
"You know. Marlboro cigeretts. Ready rolls. Went down to the feed store and bought me some of them little pots for plantin, some high dollar pottin soil and stuck one in each of em. I water them regular like, but nothin."
Well, I thought he was plumb outa his gourd till he held out a picture of his enterprise like he was showin me photos of his grand kids or such as that."Hey!" I called R.L. and Later Billy over to participate in this peculiar event. Sometimes you just gotta share.
"Harmon's got a tryin situation and needs our help!"
Well, Harmon repeated what he told me and passed around the photo.
R.L. slapped Harmon on the back sayin, "Dang boy, no wonder this ain't working for you. You got the filter side down. It can't take root."
"Yep," Later Billy chimed in, "and them pot's ain't near big enough. What kinda fertilizer you usin?.
"None. It comes in the pottin soil. The high dollar kind."
"Well that ain't near enough. You need some good cow manure in there too. That'll help em grow faster. And set out a whole pack a them Marlboros nearby so's the plants can see that and know what they're sposed to turn into."
Well, figurin he was well educated on the topic Harmon Hicks hopped offa his bar stool real sudden like and headed to the Sack and Git for another pack of cigs and then over to his makeshift greenhouse.
By then the entire population of the bar had gathered around, some ten in all, to witness stupid in action.
"Is he nuts?" R.L. asked.
"No," Later Billy said, "he's jus practicin."
5 comments:
Yep, An my shoe trees ain't buddin out yet either. Maybe its the drought.
well, like i said before, shot my mouth off or my foot. after readin ollies writin, i knew i didnt know nothin bout nothin. oh well it has happened before.
Best damn planting yarn I be hearn in some time now, but to get it to grow it should be in a red house and milk added weekly by D Timer, yep
i aint got nothin to say, mr google stole another letter from me, i was commentin on ollie, with some past stuff from the end of the injun wars, when he disappeared himself to somewhere i ended up at too. well i dont want to get here, i liked that desert we wuz campin on. air so clean and stars were sittin on our shoulders, cayotees and wolves and pigs settin the night with music. probably smelling them cow ribs we bought in mexico and stuck in the mesquite fire on that flat dry scrub, to our right was desert or sometin like it, and off the trail to the left the scrub started. later they called it star county. our fire flickered for miles and we slept away from out blankets. but it was quite all night. horses hardly moved. next mornin some kind of magic was gone, the howeling ws gone, the horses rested kneeling down, and those orange eyes on the edge of the camp fire were gone. the bones we threw on the ground by the fire were gone. small cat feet were left in the sand. saddle up and turning back, it seemed sad to me, i somehow knowed this would not be again.
well, since its early feb, i wuz thinkin that probably a month ago was in early january, and as i remember in the ole days, we didnt plant tobacca til the last frost. and then the sun came out, but feedin those worms tobacca seeds probably set them to going and growin, an matin i might add bein senisble and all. looks like to me that a corn crop in the spring might do good, with them worms an all bein fired up. well i aint read the talk by ollie yet, which he does real good, best do that after i shoot either my mouth off or my the foot.
i reconed that i found me a silver spoon in the trash heap couple of days ago, but darn it, i spit on it and rubbed it with cobs, but it never shined up. big one though, stirs beans just fine, and i had some horse stew after it died in the winter of '09 i think it wuz, a lot of meat before it went bad, so i stired up a pot in a wash tub. set it out in the snow and ate at least half of it for the bear got the rest. oh well, it has happened before.
--johnny two shoes.
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