HIGH FINANCE

R.L. is about as smart as a feller can get with an 8th grade education. But I'll put him up against most anyone with a Ph.D specially when it comes to the money game.

We was jawin at the Bar None Bar & Bar-B-Q jus yesterday when the topic drifted into high finance.

"Take them bubbles you been hearin so much about. That dot-com bubble. Housing Bubble. Credit Bubble. Hell you got bubbles all over the place. Kinda like Lawrence Welk's bubble machine on steroids. It's about fake wealth.

"When you buy stock for $10 a share and it jumps up to $100 you think you're rollin in dough. So you borrow against that and start spendin. When you spend money you ain't got you're beholden to total strangers who are probably in idiot gear too."

"It weren't money to begin with." R.L. kept on yappin like anyone understood, or cared, about his fabulous insight. But that never stopped him when it came to talkin money. "It weren't money atall. Just potential money. When your stock is at $100 per share and you cash out right away have $100 -- before you pay them hidden fees. When it drops to $50 per share and cash out you already lost $50 plus more fees. So where did the other $50 go?"

Silence all around.

"The other day it was 80 degrees outside. Today it's hovering around freezing. So where did all that heat go?" R.L. was always tryin out simple examples what don't have an answer on simple folks who are thinkin he's actually askin a direct question.

Silence all around.

"Oh, I get it," Later Billy said after joinin in the listenin part for about a minute. "Like it was hot yesterday and cold today. So what happened to yesterday?"

Not willing to be deterred from his story R.L. just keeps on a goin.

"When that happens your stock drops like a stone. So you borrow more loot to keep your house, car and maybe even your whole family. But you can't borrow and spend your way outta a financial ditch. It's like diggin one hole to fill up another. Plain and simple. So what's happenin now? The gubment steps in and prints extra money and there ain't nothin to back it up. They're just diggin more holes.

"I reckon the gubment is pushin a Ponzi scheme. They keep printin more and more money to keep the scheme goin. Truth be told, we're headed for a money-bubble."

Well I didn't get nearly half of what R.L. was sayin but I knew he was onto something so I called over a feller I figured was extra-smart cause he had stock in Ford Motor Company. Big mistake.

"Hey, Cousin Luke! Reckon you oughta get in on this here conversation."

It seems Luke had inherited Ford stock from his grandpa what bought it back in the very beginning. It went way up over the years and now it ain't worth squat. But I didn't know that part.

I just turned them loose on each other and let them go at the gubment like it was public enemy number one.

Let me tell you about Cousin Luke. First off, he is 38 and still living at home. Once his momma asked, "Son, why don't you find yourself a nice girl, get married and give me a grandchild?"

"If you think," he replied talking through a mouthful of pecan pie, "I'm gonna move outa here and live with a total stranger you don't know me by half. Besides there ain't no one in this whole county I ain't double-related to. Any a my kids will turn out like Harmon Hicks. Have you seen how he lives? Ain't no kid a mine endin up like that."

Anyway, after a spell I drifted back into the fray -- I mean the conversation -- and Cousin Luke was a mite peeved that R.L. hadn't shared his vast knowledge of the financial world before he lost all his inheritance with that Ford stock. Well, he actually lost more than that. Seems he took out a loan at the bank to buy a new Ford pickup -- double cab, four-wheel drive, extra long bed, V-8 with all the trimmins -- and used his Ford stock to back it up right before it hit rock bottom. Now he's got payments.

"You mighta told me bout all this afore now. Now I got loan payments," Little Junior told R.L. like it was all his fault about the pickup.

"What's your interest rate?" R.L. asked.

"What's that?"

Just about then Later Billy turned to me, noddin toward Cousin Luke and whispered, "I thought he just looked stupid."