FROZEN ASSETS

Big Junior was sittin at the Bar None Bar & Bar-B-Q the other day lookin like he had just lost his best hound, his pickup or maybe even his wife.

"What's got you so weepy lookin?" I asked.

That's when he said his assets was frozen at the bank. He seemed mighty peeved so I left him well alone and went on about more important business, moved over a couple of bar stools and ordered another longneck.

Then, yesterday, while I was sittin down by the stock tank fishin for anything what might be interested in a left-over noodle I remembered what the banker feller told me when I tried for a loan.

"Mr. Gravis," he said squintin at my over his tee-niny glasses, "you need some assets to back this up."

Well, at first I thought he was startin in on some kind of off-color joke, or maybe he got wind of that nickname "Gone-butt" what won't stick to me less it's behind my back. I pondered hard and quick.

"Ass sets?" I asked. "They come in pairs?"

The banker feller looked at me like I was as dumb as he was ugly.

"No Mr. Gravis," he replied talkin to me like Molly that kindergarten teacher does to everyone, "I mean, property, like cattle or a tractor."

Anyway, my point here bein, while I was fishin and ponderin frozen assets I got to wonderin why anyone would want to freeze a tractor and exactly where the bank's freezer was what kept Big Junior's twenty or so hogs.

Then it come to me quicker than thought. Why not take take that freezer full of deer meat I got and let the bank hold on to that so's next time I go in for a loan I have assets ready and waitin.

Nagging the Universe

According to them folks who ponder quantum field theory, if universes are parallel they ain't supposed to get tangled up.

Here's how it works: You come to a fork in the road. You gotta choose one, but other is out there too acting just like you chose it instead. So if you ever made a really idiot decision, relax. Somewhere in the universe you're out there enjoying the benefits of a right smart move.

I reckon them physicists have never put their theory to the test. Some time back in San Saba county I was way lost in a tangled mess of dirt roads. I kept choosing the left fork in the road. Before long I worm-holed my way to that other universe where I started out and got unlost.

The parallel universe, having presented me with a second chance kept poking its head through the fabric of time and space, time and again. At least that was my theory and I stuck to it and it paid off. For spell time I kept this to myself cause I could just hear some bright spot reply:

"The universe is not like a husband. You can't nag it to death to make it change its mind."

Well, I suppose the universe never met my live-in boss.