The Mare Bailout

Well, seems I no sooner posted that little item on Lula when I got an email from Big Junior saying he had that mare of L.J.'s. Turns out Harmon Hicks failed to consider the finer points on the care and feeding of horseflesh.

Not being all that bright, Mr. Hicks kept Lula in his front yard which was all the spare land he had on that small lot on the edge of town. And there weren't much grazing room on his place what with all the broke down lawnmowers -- the riding and push-type -- two rusty old cars sinking down into Mother Earth while sitting on cinder blocks. And, there was his woodpile collection of warped two by fours, pealing plywood and such. Pile on top of that he had about eleventy dozen spare auto parts laying about, scraps of tin roofing and dang near as many pot plants scattered around with dead stems sticking out like grave markers.

That's when he called on Big Junior and offered him twenty five bucks to take Lula off a his hands. Big Junior needed the money so he could pay off part of his sizable tab at the Bar None Bar and Barbeque. He had no use for Lula the Mare, and neither did anyone at the bar.

That's when Big Junior called me cause he figured I was a financial wizard and could give him some insider advice on his burden of horseflesh.

"Wellll," I said holding back on the rest of the sentence just to make him figure I was a right smart feller and thinking double hard, "You could give L.J. a call and ask him if he wanted Lula back. But you oughta know here and now that he went and bought himself a pretty little filly and is going back in the horse trading business. He may not want to use up any grazing room for a worthless, wore-out, no-account, nearly-gone mare even if she has a mighty pretty name like Lula."

"Reckon he'd take her off my hands for fifty bucks?"

Okay, if anyone out there is interested, for as little as one hundred bucks you can have a fine mare what could bring top dollar at one of them glue factories in Fort Worth. You need to bring your own horse trailer to haul her off cause I ain't got one. I sold mine awhile back for scrap and doubled my investment.

High Finance and Horse Trading

Financial markets ain't so complicated.

Take L.J. and Later Billy, two ranchers living just down the road a piece. L.J. had an old mare he didn't have much use for but kept it anyway just like his broke down tractor what's been sitting under a shade tree waiting to be fixed coming on ten years now. Well, seems Later Billy dropped by one fine day and offered L.J. fifty bucks for the critter.

L.J. pretended to ponder his windfall and said, "Well, okay. But that's a mighty fine mare."

Well, Later Billy had hardly got out of the driveway before L.J. was thinking, "Later Billy is dumber than he looks but he knows horseflesh. Maybe I just got took." So then and there he made plans to visit Later Billy and buy back his mare.

"Later Billy," he said after letting three days pass, "I decided I just can't live without that mare a mine. Tell you what, I'll give you a hundred dollars hard cash right now to get her back."

Later Billy was plumb puzzled. He only bought the critter cause he heard L.J. was on hard times. But his finances weren't all that good neither so he took the money and L.J. went off with his old mare.

Then, Later Billy got to pondering real hard which weren't all that easy after he got whopped on the head with a beer bottle at the Bar None Bar and Barbeque a week back.

"I must a missed something." he said to himself, "Maybe she was worth more than a hundred bucks after all. So after letting a respectable amount of time pass -- but not too much -- he drove over to L.J.'s and offered him one hundred and fifty bucks for the mare.

Well, L.J. was plumb dumbfounded and his brainwork never worked fast enough to let him figure out what was going on at any give moment, so he took the loot and waved goodbye to Later Billy and his mare once again.

Then it hit him! Later Billy must have come up with some new fangled critter judging device that could see what the eye couldn't, or maybe he got hold of some wonder drug that could make that mare turn into a filly again. So, quicker than thought -- which for L.J. wasn't fast at all, kinda like pouring molasses in winter -- he hauled his horse trailer over to Later Billy's to buy back his mare. Her name was Lula which he had nearly forgot till he arrived at his destination.

"Later Billy," he said all breathless, "I gotta get Lula back right away."

"Lula?"

"My mare. The misses is plumb put out about me selling her off. I can't go home without her. I've got two hundred dollars right here in my pocket to buy her back." He lied about the misses part.

"Wellll" he replied,"That's a mighty pretty name. I'll have to tell Ol' Harmon Hicks cause he owns her now."

"What? Are you plumb out of your gourd? We were both making good money off a her."

L.J. figured there was no call to try and buy that critter off a Harmon cause everyone who ever laid eyes on him just knew to a fraction that he was flat out dumb and never knew how to make a profit off a anything. Let alone a way overpriced worthless mare. Besides, if you ever bought anything off a Harmon word would get out that you were either a thief, taking advantage of a feller weak in the mind, or a fool for coveting any of his trash.

See? That's how financial markets work. And just goes to show how two fellers could make a living off a one critter and watch the stock price go up on every trade. They might a become richer than rich if Later Billy hadn't bailed out on the arrangement.