Monday, October 27, 2008

And the Nominees Are...

I've been pondering this off and on for a spell, and I reckon it's way past time to accept nominations for "A Special Place in Hell".

Becoming a member of this bunch ain't easy. You gotta frustrate folks so much that if you were responsible and stepped forward at just the wrong moment and said with a final smile: "I made that," you'd have your note taken in for certain just to get you out of their misery.

You take that pay toilet. Now I ask you, "What was he thinking?" (Trust me, a woman wouldn't a invented this one -- finding change in a purse is like looking for an honest politician in Washington. Think about it. There were times when you couldn't just stand in some line just to get change for the device. Fact is, no one has stepped forward to claim the honor but the company Nik-O-Lok can take the prize for being in the forefront for manufacturing most of these reprobate hindmost inventions. My eternal gratitude to the Committee to End Pay Toilets In America (CEPTIA) for putting a stop to them infernal contraptions sometime back in the mid 70s.


Here's another: Teeny-tiny type. You know. Pick up any medicine bottle and after figuring out how to defeat that child-proof cap just try to read the dosage, warnings and maybe, just maybe, if you're successful you'll take two or three or four of them pills just to get on with what life you may have left.

THEN THERE'S THE JUST PLAIN DUMB OFFERINGS TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC

Topping this list just has to be the helicopter ejector seat. For the life of me, or maybe just the copter pilot, this seems way past dumb.

And... the black highlighter. Okay, maybe this one is just dumb, or maybe not.


I'm gonna catch hell for this but: Camo hunting garments. Look, most critters are color blind. Deer won't even notice a day-glow red jacket unless you are moving around. And if think that I've gone to far then maybe you'll agree that camo bedding, camo seat covers, and camo slow cookers are stuck in idiot gear. Think about it: that coon that has been lurking around you campsite every night won't notice your food left out in that camo cooker. Next thing they'll be offering is camo soap to put in your camo soap dish/dispenser.

Jar lids what musta been screwed on by power tools are too common to warrant pointing out...

Okay, I'm on one of my "don't get me started" rants so I'll hold off for awhile.

Any suggestions?

Friday, October 24, 2008

You Can't Bank on Banks

For the life of me I can't figure out why folks are all worked up over their bank accounts, IRAs, and the like. None of that ever panned out for me. I know what you're thinking, but I'm too crazy to be insane. For my way of thinking it was that banking feller that was taking care of my loot at the local bank that was off his gourd.

You can hear all about it here:
http://www.texfiles.com/OllieandBanks2.wav


Leave your comments please. I'm beginning to feel like I'm talking to myself which is okay I reckon. But I can do that at the Bar None Bar & Barbeque.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Lighten Up

Maybe It's just me, maybe not. But it sure seems there's a whole lot of hate speech being spread around like mud in a pig waller. Could be that when all's said and done folks will get it outa their gullet and go back to being mostly normal. Right now we ain't in normal no more.

Once I was given a sage piece of advice from my Uncle Later Billy who commented, "All's well that pretends well." So just maybe we should all pretend to be sociable and it just might stick.

'Course if you got something that needs to be said I reckon it's gotta get done. A little humor throwed in to the mix won't hurt your standing with other folks near as much as flat out nasty.

That said, I got some gullet work to do.

About Sarah Palin: I reckon she's got so much cute in her face it squoze her brains out.

About John McCain: Wish you were who you were a few years back. I might a voted for you. For now I'm gonna put you out of my misery.

About Obama: Why don't you remind folks you just might be the first half-white president?

About elections: Let's move them ahead a year or so just to make the campaigns shorter. Limit campaign contributions to one dollar per person. No corporation need apply. Add up the loot. The one with the most bucks wins. I ain't figured out the details, but since it all seems to be about the almighty dollar anyway let's just go with that.

No TV ads. Period. They're beginning to smell worse than my hound dog. Maybe three debates cause that's about all we can stomach, and mostly they just repeat themselves over and over anyway. And all candidates must agree to be interviewed by anyone with a camera or tape recorder.

I'm still pondering why they call the vice president the "vice" president. I'd just as soon not have anyone in public office with vice somewhere in their name. How about president-in-waiting? I'm open to suggestions.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Pay Up

I was jawin with a feller just yesterday and he was yammering on and on like a grackle on crack saying how poor the rich folks are and if the poor would quit whining and go back to work they would have all the loot they needed.

If there hadn't been so much beer left in my longneck I might a whopped him up side that thick skull just to shut him up.

I tried to clue him in a little saying that dang near everyone pays the same percentage of their income to social security. Except those making over $90,000. After paying in on that much the rest ain't taxed.

There is a whole industry wrapped around ways to help fat cats wriggle out of paying their fare share of income tax -- looking for loopholes, tax shelters and the like.

Heck, I reckon income tax should rightfully be called "work tax" cause it's a "pay to work" deal.

I imagine once you start bringing in over $90,000 you don't work for all of it, the rest just kinda rolls in like them welfare checks everyone but the poor whine about.

Maybe that social security program, which ain't so secure no more, wouldn't be going broke if folks like Warren Buffett, Bill Gates and their bunch paid in just like the rest of us.

Pile on top of all that the sad fact is the government keeps robbing from social security to cover their spending in other area.

And one more thing, while I'm going off on this topic, why do you have to pay work tax on your social security benefits? You were already taxed on your income once. Now they want to keep demanding more when you ain't even working.

I don't know about you, but given half a chance I'd call in the note on them millionaires and have them cough up their fair share.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Parallel Universe News From Tomorrow

NEWS FLASH: The future is here now... but some of us will arrive before others.

I don't know if you're up on the latest from the "Parallel Universe News From Tomorrow" but you Earthlings are in for some downright odd events leading up to the year 2012.

I'm just trying to let y'all know that it ain't the end of the world so don't panic. I'll be checking back in soon to provide a little enlightenment on the condition of your universe.

In the meantime amuse yourself with this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VsRWWLH1q7U&feature=related